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Monday, June 19, 2006

Father's Day

So yesterday, in the soft, humid 6 a.m. sunlight, I drove to work. As I turned into the parking ramp, I passed thousands of white grave markers. Every work day I drive past the same cemetery and I usually think of my son's grandparents. The parents of his natural father are buried there. I think fondly of them; and I am sad they they lost their grandson in this life and that he lost them.

I thought about driving into the cemetery yesterday. As it was Father's Day there might have been people available to give maps and directions to gravesites. I would have liked to stop by and leave some flowers or a picture of their grandson.

I think that they would be proud of him. My son lights up and consumes a room like his grandfather did, and like I remember that his father does; but in his own way. A quieter way. He has a confident swagger in his step like them; but most definitely possesses his own gait. I am so overjoyed when I see my first born son filling up the room; interacting with the people around him.

When I say that they would be so proud of my son, their grandson, I am not any longer the young woman who seeks the approval of my boyfriend's parents. However, I still feel greatly connected to them through my son; and often think of them.
I have real spritiual connection to them and a solid flesh and blood connection to them each time I touch the face or arm of my son.

I ran out of time yesterday to stop by the cemetery. I had to get myself to church after work and then home for the dinner my other sons were BBQ-ing for their dad.
Ran out of time. Also, not sure that I had the emotional energy to expend in visiting their graves, yesterday. I know that there is a whole pocket of pain and tears just centered around them and my son that will break when I do get to the graves. It takes energy, you know? Yet it also takes energy to hold together all those cracks in my heart; pressuring my being. It's just that I have to figure out when it is safe for me expend the tears and energy. I have to discern how much I can afford to expend in tears and how much energy to keep in reserve for my day to day living.

I am relieved, ecstatic really, that my son and his father finally have the chance to know one another, to build a relationship and to have the opporunity to connect today on Father's day. Been a long time in coming for them.


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