Coming Further Out

Yesterday, I went to my supervisor to ask about the possibility of my first born being added to the list of my children who receive some pretty nice perks.

My voice shook and wavered and I know that I sounded like I might cry. However, I did not cry.
Huge relief! I know that several years ago, I would not have even been able to get the words out of my mouth to a supervisor that I unwillingly surrendered my child to adoption due to lack of support from my family and the family of my child's father.

I asked if my supervisor would entertain my request and guide me to someone who could answer my question. She agreed to take my request to another supervisor.

I struggled beforehand, though. Will I loose my job over this? Is there some morals clause that I didn't notice when I accepted an offer of hire? Some of the old shame came back. My instinct to duck and cover and simply disappear returned.

I think that I have been able to heal, some. I am asking if my oldest child can be added to my list of family with this employer.

I needed to ask for myself and for him. Even if my question gets a "no", I did it for my self and for my son. I want my son to know that I finally stood up for him and claimed him as my son to an "authority".

Yet, if my employer does decline my request, will that be one more hurt for him? One more piece of evidence, a slap in the face that his was given away; that his mother let him go?

I am slightly morose, today with Mother's Day around the corner...another difficult day in adoptoland.

Adoptoland is not a term I coined. It fits though.

Once I was reunited and emerged from the completely dark, "TUNNEL OF if you LOVE your baby, you will surrender him" I was able to see finally see this amusement park of adoption where I live. Some of the rides here are exhilarating..such as finally getting to see the wonderful face of my son. Sometimes, however, I am pulled down by some kind of g force inertia onto a ride that will not stop spinning and makes me naseated... I literally want to throw up and for as long as I struggle, I cannot undo the buckle by myself. This park has a fence I cannot scale. Where is the damned exit??? Oh yeah, it disappeared for me with a timed out period of revocation ( which I believe I was lied to about) and 25 years of time.

Yeah..I am not a happy guest in adoptoland. Happy to be reunited; but not happy to be here in the first place.