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Tuesday, March 13, 2007

March Madness

My head sometimes hurts. Gonna explode hurts. Not because of my work.
And not because I have four kids I am raising... and one I did not...

It is because that during the last five years since I have been reunited with my son, I have been trying to make sense of his adoption. And make sense of what happened to me since his surrender. It is difficult to absorb where he was and what happened to him for 25 years and to make sense of why he was not with me for 25 years. And to know why I was not deemed worthy enough of the dignity to know what had become of my son. And why my son was not deemed worthy of the human dignity and right to know what had become of me or his father.

In only the past 5 years I have begun to see how my whole family; my parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, my grandmother, and mostly how my other children have been affected by the surrender and legal amputation of my son from our family.

I have been sometimes exhausted. Simply exhausted; mostly mentally and emotionally. I have dear friends who have said to me, "You keep trying to make sense of it, but adoption is crazy. It will never make sense."

But I really, really want to have things make sense. Or at least be logical in a convoluted way. The surrender and adoption of my son will never make sense. It will never make sense to me that other mothers were and continue to be coerced and separated from their children. It is simply madness to me.

I hope to come to greater acceptance of what happened by my son's adoption and to greater acceptance of what "is" in our lives. However, I do believe that I will always be simply horrified that it ever happened in the first place.

My oldest son's birthday falls right in the middle of March. I was talking to my 9 year old son this afternoon while we were outside on one of the first mild spring days of the month. It was of those sensory confusing days in Minnesota when you can close your eyes to rest in radiant sunlight and suck in sweet warm air which smells of the earth. But then you open up your eyes to see neighhood kids wearing their summer shorts and standing in the three foot high snow mounds near the curb. They are lobbing crusty, crunchy snowballs at some friends who are whizzing by on bikes that have just been reclaimed from the garage.

During our short conversation, my youngest helped clear away some of this confusing March madness for me. I suggested to the 9 year old that we could call him to say "happy birthday". As my youngest continued to ride his red bike beside me, I also said that he (my oldest) says he thinks of us as family.

My youngest then said that he doesn't have to "think" of his brother as family. He said that he just "is" family.

How simple is that? Makes sense.

9 Comments:

  • At 7:02 AM , Blogger Reunited Dan said...

    Whew! That was a long spell without posting.

    Glad to see you back!

     
  • At 8:31 AM , Blogger dbannie said...

    Thanks, Dan! Yeah..that was a long spell.

     
  • At 11:13 PM , Blogger momseekingpeace said...

    hi dbannie

    I think one of the hardest parts for me was seeing how it affected my other kids and at the same time thier ease with which they accept and "know" of him as family has been the sweetest part.
    MSP

     
  • At 9:16 AM , Blogger dbannie said...

    The younger ones are so much more
    able to accept and know him as a family member. The older ones, in college and high school, have a tougher time. I try to just keep mostly focused on the thing that is most important in all of this adoption fall out; the chance to build on a relationship with my first born.

     
  • At 3:10 PM , Anonymous kim.kim said...

    It doesn't make sense to send a family member away. I am upset that we did that, sent L. somewhere else. I am much relieved that she loves her parents.

    I am horrified that we sent her away, how crazy. Why on earth should she have been sent out of the family?

    Well I am sent away now, I am exiled from them, or I sent myself away.

    Sorry making this all about me, you just hit some home truths for me that's all. It felt like it was all about me.

    Your youngest? is he the youngest? He is so right. Children often have it so correct don't they?

     
  • At 9:32 AM , Blogger dbannie said...

    Hi Kim,

    I don't mind!!!! I don't mind at all if you talk about yourself here. ;0)

    Dang..this stuff just recycles itself sometimes and just when I believe that I have come to some understanding of the events around my son, it hits me from a different angle or at a deeper level of realization or something. ....arrrggghhh!!!!!

    Yes, it is the youngest son who said that. He is just in third grade. Often, children just simply seem to cut through all the verbal crap we adults spread in big circles around the core of the matter. And children can jump over the stinky mess and get right to the truth, can't they?

    I too feel like I have been exiled from my own family. And that for now, I choose to stay here. I feel most sane and safe here in exile from them because I know I can ever willingly/consciously enter back into the denial I would need to be in to keep the status quo.

    However, that said, I do know that I need to work on greater/continued even daily???? forgiveness of my parents because it will just continue to eat away at me!

    I really have appreciated how honestly you have writtten about your relationship with your mother. It helps me think through the same sorts of issues I have with mine.

     
  • At 9:40 AM , Blogger dbannie said...

    P.S. That stinky verbage analogy that adults spread around the truth isn't mine.

    I think it was an image that another blogger used.....As a farmer girl at heart who grow up in the midwest USA, I personally love the analogy and image.

    And I would love to give full credit to the blogger who described it that way.

     
  • At 9:46 PM , Blogger Third Mom said...

    So good to hear your voice!

    This post is a shining example of the lunacy of secrecy and lies in adoption. The separation is bad enough, but pretending it didn't happen is plain nuts. Your young son is a wise young man to see through the hypocrisy.

     
  • At 10:34 AM , Blogger dbannie said...

    Hi Margie!

    Thanks for stopping by my little dormant blog and for your comment.

    (I've been working some long stretches of days and don't seem to be able to promptly answer people back or write much of anything at all when I am in "work mode".)

     

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