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Sunday, February 21, 2010

Birthdays

My son's birthday is coming, soon. And today is my mother's birthday. My father's and brother's birthdays are coming up, soon. All fall within about a five week period. The season of birthdays.

I was invited yesterday to go along with my mother to meet the of her newest great grandbabies. I declined as I couldn't set myself up for the triggger of seeing my mother holding a new baby so close to my son's birthday. I know that it would take about three days for me to recover emotionally. It was a step in the right direction of self care.

I did accept the invitation to a party this weekend that was in part a birthday celebration for my mother. I decided that I could go for a couple hours with minimum recovery time later on for me.

It was great party with fun people and great food and hospitality. My mother and I even had the chance to talk for a while. My son and his adoption are topics we rarely about. Usually it is a just on the surface and in passing comment. I have learned not to let her in because she just wants me to be OK with it all. And I am not.

While we were sitting down, she pulled out some things she had saved for me; sweet things like baby cards and such. Then, someone came over to us and just started talking about the child that he has adopted. It was the kind of situation I am often in with people's cats. How do they know that I am allergic to them? The cats always gravitate towards me! And this new adoptive father found me, too.

I am not comparing this man to a cat. Please understand that.

This man seems like a kind person and he has adopted a child who really did need a new family. The child's mother had died and was in foster care.

In the middle of him telling his story, I wanted to bolt. I was afraid I could begin to cry and I did not want to be so vulnerable just then in from of my mother nor did I want to embarrass the hosts of the party.

Suddenly, I found my mother and myself having an indirect conversation embedded within this man's conversation about his own recent adoption.

I blurted out that his situation is the only time when adoption is good. ( Mom, the loss of my son to adoption was not adoption as it is meant to be. We shouldn't have let him go!)

The man talked more about his daughter and her loss and his struggle to help her with her feelings.

My mom said a couple of times, " Everything works out in the end." (Daughter, it all worked out alright. Don't you see, it all worked out?)

I wouldn't look her in the eye because I didn't want to even minimally validate her statements.

From the outside looking in, she might believe it all worked out because I do know my son, again.
I can't or perhaps won't tell her that it really didn't all work out so well. She needs to believe it did. And I need to keep my thoughts about adoption from her. I can't really explain clearly the reasons why other than that my relationship with my son is precious and I won't let any of my family interfere with it or damage it again.

Of course it all worked out. Everything works out with some end. Adoption works out to an end but for most of us with a lot of pain and confusion.

3 Comments:

  • At 5:06 PM , Anonymous KimKim said...

    Someone said to me "life has a way of working itself out in the end" to me in reference to me being in reunion. I dont consider this to mean it has worked itself out at all. She meant it kindly.

    My mother tried to make it be ok that my daughter was adopted when I said that she was at university. I just stayed silent when she said that. I had phoned her because my grandfather had died (her father)

    They want it to be allright or want us to say it's ok because they were very influentual over the situation. At least my mother was I imagine yours was too.

    You are a good and kind person to still allow her to be in your life, she is very lucky to have you as a daughter. I wonder if she realizes just how lucky she is.

    Please do something nice for yourself on the birthday. Buy yourself a huge bunch of flowers, you deserve them.

     
  • At 8:13 PM , Blogger awareness said...

    it is the sad truth how influential our mothers are to us when we find ourselves pregnant at an early age. if it werent for my mother, i would have kept my baby. the mentality of adoption being the best thing... "win win for everyone", couldnt be further from the truth. in all reality it is a huge loss for everyone involoved. the adoptive parents lost their biological child that they could not have, the birth mother lost her child that her and her parents were programmed that they could not give the love he/she needed, and the adoptee has lost his most favorite person in the whole world... his mommy. My mother has finally come to grips with the influence she had in the placement of my child. at first she was very defensive stating that it was for the best... finally she has been able to forgive herself for not knowing better and accept that adoption was not the best. if at all possible, we need to mentor with mothers in need and keep babies with their mothers.

     
  • At 9:54 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    acckk..6 months later and I am writing back. Tomorrow is my son's 1/2 birthday, KimKim. I will buy flowers tomorrow for myself. I think he is in a pull back mode, so flowers which I believe are a necessity of life will be extra nice, tomorrow.

    How are you? Miss ya, KimKim.

    Awareness,I feel such a strong drive to mentor mothers in need and help them keeep and be the best mothers they can be to their children.

    dbannie

     

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