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Friday, April 13, 2007

Wasting Time

9:40 a.m. Have been at this computer for over an hour. My morning is almost gone. I have the whole day off and a huge list of stuff to do, but I know that I will spend too much time reading a new book.

The title is "Without a Map" by Meredith Hall. I trooped over to my local bookstore to order it immediately after reading only one review because I want desperately to know how this mother of adoption loss came to forgiveness of her parents and society.

My efforts toward forgiveness have evolved to being willing to forgive on a daily basis and forgiving through a source of greater love than I am humanly capable. I am still looking for more answers on how to forgive my parents, the agency and society.

I went last night about 8:00 to get it. Along for the ride was my 9 year old, who of course told me at 7:00 pm that he needed at least one autobiographical book of Michael Jordan by_________.

(and the answer to this fill in the blank is....tomorrow or today. Either is correct; depending on your time reference.)

"Of course, dear. Why would I expect you to tell about something that's due tomorrow before the last hour?"

So, after dinner and kitchen clean up we drove to the bookstore. I made my son go up to the clerk in the young readers' section to ask for help in locating books for his project. She is a 30ish woman who has helped me in the store before. Actually, she assisted me about a year ago when I ordered a different book. For some reason, I told her that I was reunited with my son. And, guess what? Of course!!...She has a sister with whom she has been reunited. She was quite encouraging to me that given time, it can get better and my sons may just be able to develop their own relationships despite the separations.

Last night, I was tempted to ask if she remembered our conversation. I was curious for a little update on her family, but I didn't ask. The store was too busy and the timing just didn't feel right.

My son found a paperback biography on Michael Jordan appropriate to his reading level that cost only $4.99. Yeah! Mission accomplished and in a very timely manner.

After paying for our books, we wandered into the mall. I wanted to go into my favorite local gallery for just a few minutes. I love the fiber art they have and some of the blown glass work. I know I could never afford to buy any of it. But...maybe if I work at it I might be able to approximate the effect that one artist gets with his silks. Someday maybe with effort and time.

So, my son and I spent a just a little time in the gallery after I admonished him to not touch anything. He didn't. Unless you count touching a ceramic sculpture with your nose as touching.
I do of course and don't think I will take him inside that gallery again for a long while.

We also talked and laughed. An errand my youngest and I had to do yesterday, under the pressure of time, turned into delightful evening.

One of the most painful things for me to accept is all the lost time with my first born son.
I missed all those everyday running errands times. The simply wasting time; just being together times.

Since being reunited, my oldest son and I have accumulated a few days just doing simple errands. Some days have carried the pressure of time to meet obilgations and to get to places on time. Others we have spent with no time pressures and could simply be. Sometimes it seems that we have never been separated and the decades don't matter; but more in the spiritual and less tangible realms of our relationship.

Until something happens or is said to remind me that it really did happen in the physical realm. A painful slap that spins me back down into the crazy making of adoption until we slide back onto the upside of the oscillation which returns the sense of never having been apart. Insanity, yes. The insanity of adoption is my reality.

One reunited mom friend of mine has encouraged me to just do the normal everyday things with my oldest son; like running errands, going to a ball game, making chili or having a cookout. This is some of the most excellent reunion advice that I have ever received. And we have done these things and other very ordinary activities like banking and grocery shopping. And sometimes not much of anything in between an errand or two.

I think the days I've spent with my son in doing the ordinary and everyday activites with the just the right smidgen of wasted of time in between all those activities have been most healing for me.

Can't wait to get back to that book today. I am only on page 16. I do want to find out about her reunion but mostly how Hall gets to the forgiveness part. Her writing, so far, is some of the most poetic prose I have read. I am going to really take my time in reading this book.

I think I will have to force myself to read it very slowly. I may even have to read it twice;
and don't even think for a moment that it would be a waste of my time.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Lurking at My Own Blog

I stop by and there are no new entries. I log into my own blog and say hello once in a while, but there have been no new posts. I think I must be a lurker at my own blog, then.

I did, however, write a letter yesterday to someone I know who might be able to get some media exposure for open records here in this state. Making that effort yesterday really seemed to blow away the swirling cloud of energy that hovers over me around adoption. I know that I do need to do more with all this energy.. If I try to lasso it in just to keep it in check when it gets too big, it all comes crashing down on me and keeps me weighted down.

Also waiting for the winter skies to change over. We may get snow today..blech. But at least we have been drenched in sunshine. I don't care too much as long as the sun shines.