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Monday, November 13, 2006

Past Noon on Monday

I spent part of the weekend at work. I watched a fun kind of scary mummy movie with some of the kids on Friday night and clocked alot of drive time bringing them to different places. I did some laundry, bought groceries and cooked chicken soup for Sunday supper before I went into work.

After everyone went to work or school this morning, I just had to take a nap. Last night, after I got home I was so wide awake that I couldn't fall asleep until about 2 am. But did spend some time studying this morning while I had the house all to myself.

I think I will enjoy my student status; at least for a while. I am easily slipping into to my old habits of thirty years ago. This morning, I was reading my texts, marking up the pages with yellow and red pens while still wearing my flannel p.j.s. And I was craving mac and cheese which I allowed myself to eat for "brunch". And I am reverting to my old homework avoidance behaviors of thirty years ago. I can report to you that I am successfully avoiding my homework at this very moment.

I have missed not writing on a more regular basis, but I read daily on the adoption blogs.

And even though I haven't been writing about adoption lately, all the effects that the surrrender of my first born son has had on me, and continues to have on me and my entire family, are on my mind each day. I am still thinking and processing. And learning. I know I will have more thoughts and feelings about my son's adoption, surrender and on our reunion that I will have to write about. But later. At least not today. And I have to focus more on work and school.

As for school, I feel like that kid in the candy store.

I feel so energized in getting my license renewed and being able to focus on a new area of teaching. It is a natural extention of my original education that I completed, I am sad to say, without any passion, after my son was born and lost to me. At the time, I needed a focus. School served as that focus for me. I grabbed on to my wooden yellow pencils as splintered wooden planks in the ocean after a shipwreck.

I feel like I was the wreck.

My new area of study will allow me to put my energies and knowledge and alot of hard work into family preservation. If I can really do this, even to the smallest extent, and make a difference to just one family, I will be so happy.

Monday, November 06, 2006

I get to go to school!

I am enrolled in school and am so exicted to start a class on Thursday! I am taking a two semester credit class on a beautiful college campus which I have driven by hundreds and hundreds of times. I remember being there for a field trip with my high school spanish teacher and think that I have wanted to be a part of that campus for years.

As a kid I loved school. I was fortunate to have a few teachers, generous of spirit and heart, who encouraged and nurtured me during my K-12 years.

Dang. I just reminded myself that I need to stop procrastinating and send a letter to my fourth grade teacher. I would very much like to let her know how she sparked and encouraged me. Teachers need affirmations, too, I believe. She is retired and I have had her address for over a year. Now, if I could just learn to stop putting things off .....

I have heard that procrastination is the flip side of perfectionism. Hmmm..so very true for me. And perfectionism can immobilize me. Maybe I need to go back and look at that...again....(sigh) These natural inclinations of mine don't seem to be maturing out of me with this last BIG birthday.

If I were able to find a class on perfecionism and procrastination in which I could also enroll this week, I just bet the teacher would stand up and say to me, "Dbannie, ...part of the
antidote to perfectionism/procrastination is humility. True humility. Not the false and insincere kind. And true humility is not necessarily what you currently think it to be. Now go home and bring back your thoughts for next time." And hopefully, that teacher would be well...not really quite perfect, but an encouraging instructor and also say to me, "Dbannie, I want to hear what you think."