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Friday, December 11, 2009

A Christmas Visit

This year, my son's father is going to spend his first Christmas with our son. I am very excited for them. It is their first Christmas together. Ever. Unless you count the Christmas before our son was born. We were all together on that Christmas.

I am so happy for the both of them to finally have a Christmas together and for this chance for healing.

Last year, I was was the one who was able to spend some time over the holidays with our son. It was my first ever. Unless you count the Christmas he grew safely in my womb. There were little moments of healing; like sharing the best-cookies-ever made by his little brother and playing football with at least 3 of my boys. I experienced bits of heaven and moments of pure peace and joy over the last Christmas. However, as good as reunion might be, there is still for me, as the mother, the hovering specter of sorrow for all that was lost.

I just can't shake the loss side. And maybe it is not a personal or moral defect. Maybe it is there because I am his mother and so much WAS lost.

During this past year, my son's father and I have been able to talk to one another after decades of separation and estrangement. Finally!!

Let's just call my son's father "Charlie".

Charlie and I were able to stay together after our son's birth for, ironically, about 9 months...but mortally wounded, we went our separate ways after surrendering our child to the agency in closed adoption and sealed records. Charlie went his direction while grieving openly and I went off in my own direction while in a severe state of shock induced by pain and anger; all buried under my sedative of the adoption fog.

For the past year, when Charlie and I have been finally able to talk, we have compared our memories and are better able to understand what happened to the three of us. Talking with Charlie has helped me heal. We can be amicable. I better trust my gut these days and I do believe my gut when it says that there are healing benefits to our son, as well, when his father and I can be friends.

(I also have the fear that it is painful for our son that Charlie and I are friends still; you know, all the might have beens and even anger that he might feel.....)

During some our our discussions, Charlie and I have broached the subject of:

?What can our relationships "BE" with our son? And we try to put words to our relationships with our son.

Our son is an adult and does not need a daddy or a mommy at this time. Yet, I love my son as I do my others; those grown and not grown. In the best of adult children and parent relationships, I believe there is an element of true friendship and respect. And Charlie and I have been talking about this, together.

However, the other day, Charlie was talking about wanting to continue being open to our son, so that our son will better know him and better know about himself. And so that our son will learn things about himself that he didn't have the chance to learn while growing up because he was, of course, being raised by his adoptive parents.

I am relieved that Charlie has this wisdom. I believe that this self knowledge and validation is some of what our son really needs.

The greater realization that our son needs this kind of self knowledge at the age of his mid 30's!!!!! is a great dagger to the middle of my heart and soul. I didn't know that this would be a repercussion for my son as a result of his surrender and adoption. I really didn't know.


Anyways. Here's to the holidays! A Merry Christmas to you, Charlie. When you travel to be with our son, give him the biggest hug from me, please.... My Christmas wishes are for healing for you and our son.